Breathe Me
by persnikitty5
Summary: Set after Baby Blue John continues to watch Carter after she leaves the team and gets a glimpse of Carter's softer side. My first POI fic...please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Title taken from a song by Sia.**

**AN: Thanks to Maddsgirl75 for beta-ing**

Breathe Me

She needed to get away from the city, away from work and away from John's prying eyes. Carter had requested a few days off work after making sure that Szymanski was out of the hospital and had everything he needed. The injured detective had lost a lot of blood, the hospital staff said it was a miracle he survived. The relief that Joss felt was indescribable considering she felt responsible for his situation. Her involvement with John and his friend left her with Szymanski's blood on her hands. She would not forgive herself if he did not make it. She was at his side in the hospital willing him to survive.

Joss was grateful that her son's school trip to Washington D.C. was this weekend. She would miss him but she did not want him to see her like this, sad and confused. That morning she dressed in a long sleeved black sweater and dark washed jeans. Carter took the time to fix her long dark tresses. Praying that the wind would hold them in place. He always enjoyed her hair styled this way and it had to be perfect. Once she was satisfied she grabbed her coat and left the brownstone.

Reese had taken to following Carter around whenever he could these past few weeks. Finch still kept the feed to her cell phone so John was also able to listen in on her phone calls from time to time. John learned that Szymanski survived, thank God. With the lie she told Lionel about going on a date with Szymanski Fusco did not question her requesting time off. He watched Carter the previous day drop Taylor off for his school trip. John felt a strange feeling come over him as he watched Carter hug Taylor fiercely before he got on the bus. There was no doubt in his mind that if he had made different choices that he and Jessica could have had a family. Not too big maybe one or two children. He shook is head freeing himself of those thoughts just a soon as they entered his mind. There was no use dwelling on things that could never be. John only possessed fragmented memories that he kept stored into a special part of his mind. He watched Detective Carter exit her brownstone and head towards her car. He started his engine when she got in and proceeded to follow her.

The drive out of the city was nice and it gave Joss a chance to think, although she tried to avoid it. The interstate was fairly empty considering the time of day. Most residents in the city were recovering from the previous night and those New Yorkers that lived this far out usually stayed in their suburban areas. The 45-minute drive seemed to go by rather quickly and Joss nearly missed the exit for her destination. She exited and turned onto the dirt road finally making it to the cemetery. Joss turned through the Iron Gate entrance into The Palmer Family Cemetery. She flashed her badge to Simon the security attendant.

"Hey Detective Carter haven't seen you for sometime."

"Hey Simon I know, the city keeps me busy."

"I was expecting to see you soon; with the storm and everything, figured you'd be by to tidy up." Carter smiled and nodded her head in agreement with Simon.

After a few more friendly words she drove through to the small lot by the Chapel and parked. Carter checked her appearance in the rearview mirror and exited her vehicle.

Carter seemed to be headed out of the city. John had the feeling that wherever she was headed it would be interesting. They drove 45 minutes north of the city before Carter turned off the interstate. The exit lead to a rural road and after another 5 minutes they were in front of the Palmer Cemetery. John watched as Carter pulled in through the old Iron Gate. She flashed her badge at the attendant in the security hut and exchanged a few words with him before he let her pass. It was obvious that Carter came to this cemetery quite often and John had an idea of who she might be visiting.

He made a U turn outside of the gate and parked further down the road so Carter wouldn't notice him. He climbed over the gate near his car and walked behind the chapel as Carter parked her car. John watched her primp in the mirror and smiled to himself. It was rare that he got to see Joss instead of Detective Carter. She was obviously headed to the grave of someone dear to her. She exited the car stopping to pop the trunk and grabbed a small gym bag. John looked around the small lot; there were only a few cars and they looked as if they belonged to the employees of the commentary instead of grieving New Yorkers.

Joss made her way down the large dirt path that separated the cemetery into to two large sections. The Palmer cemetery was about 100 years old so most of the paths were dirt. No cars were allowed pass the chapel parking lot so those that came to grieve were not disturbed. She chose the cemetery for this reason. It was nothing fancy or over the top like the other plots she looked at and the Palmer family ran it. She could come and visit anytime she wanted which worked perfectly with her unpredictable hours working homicide. She made a right turn down the smaller path and stopped a few feet in front of the headstone. She looked around and sighed. The storm hadn't been too bad. It just left the headstones covered in leaves and twigs. However, there were small amounts of dust covering her husband's headstone which was evidence of the large gap in time since her last visit. Joss sighed and shook her head. It seemed her work was cut out for her.

John noted the cemetery's simple layout. The plots were laid out in a grid with one long pathway that split the grounds into two large square sections. There were smaller paths that separated groupings of headstones into squared sections and allowed for access without stepping over too many graves. John found a tree, a few rows behind Carter, where he could hide. He activated the microphone on Carter's cell phone and waited. She opened the bag and brought out a small broom and dustpan. She began to clean the headstone taking great care. Her movements were efficient and precise, the tell tale signs of a former soldier. Carter fixed the picture that had fallen over and removed the dust and debris from the base of the stone.

After she was done thoroughly cleaning the headstone Joss removed a blanket from the bag placing it on the grass and sat down with her legs crossed. For a long time she stared at the headstone. She reached her hand out to trace the letters etched in the granite.

"Hey." She said in a voice that was much softer than her usual tone. "I know I haven't been around lately but you now how it is…" She trailed off. "Anyway, I just came by to clean up after the storm."

By now John noticed that Carter's voice was trembling on the verge of tears. She put her head down in her hands covering her face for a moment before she ran her hands through her hair. John moved up a few rows, while she took a moment, so he could get a better look at her.

"James…I miss you so much." She spoke. "Lately things have been so confusing. I've never had a problem with doing the right thing or even knowing what the right thing is. It seems like every time I try and help, someone is getting hurt or I risk everything. I used to think that if something happened to me things would work themselves out. Taylor had my mother and she would make sure he turned out all right. Then it happened, My CI shot me. Thank God I actually listened to some advice I'd been given and wore my fucking vest. Still I…" Carter paused for another moment. " I kept thinking about Taylor and about you. I just can't leave him alone. I don't think he could survive loosing me after everything we went through when you passed. I sometimes wonder if all this is worth it." A breeze went through the cemetery rustling the leaves and the trees surrounding Carter. "I just need to hear you say Don't worry Joss, just those three words could make me feel invincible…like nothing could touch us as long as you kept saying those words to me."

Tears ran down Carter's face but her body remained still. She still exhibited some control over her emotions and she seemed to be holding on as much as she could. John could relate to that feeling; the need to compartmentalize, saving the large part of grief for another time and place. Carter then swung her legs around and laid down resting her head on the ledge of the tombstone. She laid there for sometime with her eyes closed. John couldn't tell if she was sleeping or just resting but he figured it was somewhere in between.

John wanted so badly to comfort Joss. To look deep into her eyes and tell her just how sorry he was and how he would always be there for her no matter what. There were no words to whisper that could express just how much he cared for Carter. He knew that now. Seeing her sitting in front of the headstone, tears streaming down her face, John could not help but be moved. Carter grabbed hold of the feelings that lay dormant inside him and she would not let go. The sad fact is she was unaware, just as John was until now. Despite his need to move towards her John stood rooted to the ground. Deep down John knew that Carter- Joss would not want to see him; he and Finch had been the source of her confusion as of late. The reason she doubted her own judgment and the reason she was now forced to face the reality of her immortality in a job surrounded by corrupt counterparts. Not since her deployment and the death of her husband had Carter felt so vulnerable and seeing John would only make it worse. No, he would watch her silently until she was ready for him to resurface into her life

Joss wasn't sure how long she lay there resting her head on her husband's headstone. When she opened her eyes the sun was a little lower in the sky and she decided it was time to leave. She sat up dusting off her jeans and folding the blanket she slept on placing it back in her gym bag. Joss gave the headstone one last look making sure things were perfect until her next visit. "Next time Taylor will be with me." She said as she bent down to place a kiss on the headstone. Joss then gathered her bag and headed back to the main path and to her car.

John approached the head stone after Carter exited. There was a small picture of a much younger and pregnant Joss, and another picture of a young black man in his dress uniform. The head stone read here lies James Edward Carter, beloved husband and father K.I.A. John squatted down in front of the headstone and said " Don't worry James, I promise to keep Jocelyn and Taylor safe while you're gone."

**Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you again to Maddsgirl75!**

Part 2

Joss slowly opened her eyes and looked around. She looked down to see that she was still in her clothes from the day before. Damn, she thought as she got up. Looking down at her phone she saw that it was 8 am. There was no use going back to sleep, Joss was sure that she had slept enough to last a lifetime.

After she came home from the cemetery the previous evening she had taken to her couch turning on the TV to relax. Joss felt some of her stress disappear after she visited James but it was quickly replaced with longing. Joss had gone through all the complex emotions that went along with losing a spouse. There was a time when it had seemed that her sadness had fused with every fiber of her being and seeped deep into her bones. With the help of her family and the fact that she had a small child to take care of she was able to move on. But sometimes when Joss was alone she felt the ache set in.

She rubbed her arms unconsciously as she looked around the living room. Further evidence of her emotional state was staring her in the face as she looked at the TV screen. Joss decided to put in the DVD from James's going away party for his first deployment. She had been a nervous wreck that day. Planning the party, worrying over baby Taylor and trying to make James's last night in town the best it could be. She hoped those memories would keep him strong as he went half way across the world and away from his wife and baby. Frozen on the screen were James and Joss; so in love wrapped in each other's arms smiling. Joss stared at the screen feeling the emotions and ache come on even stronger.

She stood up and cleaned the small mess she had made around the couch and coffee table. Joss went to the kitchen placing her glass and bowl into the sink and looked out the window. The city was awake and moving about just as it did every day and Joss decided she should do the same. She was determined not to let the sadness get the best of her. She did a quick change into a pair of yoga pants, sports bra and a long sleeve tee shirt; a nice long run was always good for clearing her mind.

John said thank you to the barista as she handed him his coffee. He remembered to drop some change in the tip jar before he headed out the door. After he followed Joss back from the cemetery and made sure she was safe in her brownstone he decided to give her some privacy. Finch was still gone but had checked in with John like clockwork. John assured him that he was keeping out of trouble and that he was not following Carter as much anymore. John headed back to the car and looked at his watch; it was a little after eight and he knew Joss would be awake. He sat in his car and watched as she exited the brownstone. She did a few stretches at the bottom of the stairs before jogging off in the direction of the small park near her home. John turned on the small listening device in his ear; Joss left her cell phone at home so there was nothing for him to listen to. He made the decision not to follow Joss on her run. It would give him some time to think about his next move.

Joss returned from her run feeling liberated. The remnants of her sadness would never really go away but they were back to their manageable state. She showered and dressed thinking about what to do with her day. It was still early and she really had no plans. She sat down on her bed reaching inside to grab the burner phone John had given her. After she checked to see if there were any missed calls she sat the phone on the dresser and looked at it. The long drive and her morning run had given Joss plenty of time to think, mostly about him. She swore that she even saw John as she left her brownstone and again when she returned home. She just shook off the feeling. Obviously he was on her brain and her subconscious had made him appear.

Joss made up her mind that John Reese was not the type of man to pine over the loss of a colleague. For all she knew he was working another case with his mysterious friend. She was still upset with him and his friend but she did want to see John. Joss wasn't so blind that she couldn't see that her quitting had some effect on John. She saw the twinge of emotion as he had starred at her. His blue eyed stare bore into her; saying more than any words could. It was time for Joss to be an adult and face him. She owed it to him and their relationship…whatever it was. Joss picked up the phone; saying a silent prayer that her instincts were right and John really was outside her window.

John was about to start the car when he heard his phone vibrate. Finch wasn't one for text messaging and Fusco was getting deeper into HR so there was no need for him to contact John. He opened the phone and looked at the text. It simply read: **_We need to talk_**. For a few seconds John stared at the screen. All he had wanted since that day was to see Joss and explain himself. John was getting his chance and suddenly felt unsure of himself. Joss's hold on him had grown stronger after he saw her yesterday. John had witnessed her tenderness and caring first hand and he wanted so badly to be on the receiving end of her affections. He had seen Detective Carter the moral and tenacious cop who was truly one of the few good guys left in the city. Joss was also a woman, a strong one at that, who he never doubted could love with as much conviction and fortitude as she exhibited while on the job. John exited his car and crossed the street towards her brownstone. He made his way up the stairs and knocked.

Joss looked up from the phone and smiled. So she had been right when she thought she saw John outside her apartment. She wanted to and should be mad at him for watching her but she could not find it in herself to be. He had told her once that she wasn't alone and he obviously had meant it. She was able to see that now. Joss made her way down the hall and to her front door. She opened it and was greeted with John's familiar face.

"Hey" she said as she stepped aside to let him in. John smiled in reply crossing the threshold into her apartment. She closed the door as she watched John look around. Joss was certain that he had been in her apartment before and as result she made sure to always keep it neat. She smiled; guessing there were still some elements of her life that John wished to be told about instead of finding out for himself.

"Have a seat." She said as she ushered him towards the plush couch in the living room. Just then Joss heard her cell phone ring. She looked at the screen; Taylor was calling to check in. Joss picked up the phone and looked apologetically at John. "It's Taylor." She said. "Just give me a minute." Without waiting for his reply Joss walked into the hallway to speak with her son.

John watched as Joss walked away, hearing her voice as she talked with her son. He decided to take the moment to look around her apartment. It was his first time in Joss's home and he wanted to remember ever detail. In front of the couch was a small coffee table decorated with a few magazines and neatly arranged remote controls. Directly in front of him was a nice sized flat screen TV. He noticed the gaming system and games neatly arranged on the shelves below the TV, evidence of a teenage boy.

John looked at the TV. The screen had dimmed and the images on it were cast in shadow. He noticed the still-image looked like Joss. Curiosity got the better of him and he picked up one of the remotes, muting the TV before he pressed play. Suddenly the image of Joss and James Carter came to life. John watched as they laughed and kissed. He smiled as Carter tried to shy away from the camera and James simply laughed harder at her failed efforts. John continued to watch as James led her to the dance floor and wrapped her in his embrace. James was a tall man, taller than John but had a similar build. His skin was darker than Joss's. James was her protector and the way he looked at her, there was no doubt in John's mind that she was his entire world. John recognized the look in Joss's face. It was the same way Jessica had looked at him when she thought he was sleeping or otherwise engaged. John remembered feeling like he was the only man in the world when Jessica looked at him. He would have done anything and everything to make sure that Jessica looked at him that way forever.

Joss finished her conversation with Taylor and came back into the living room; she stopped suddenly behind the couch as she watched the screen. She had forgotten to remove the DVD and now John was watching one of her most treasured memories. She didn't know what to do at that moment so she froze. She watched John stare at the screen. His body was relaxed and he almost looked natural sitting on her couch. He suddenly picked up the remote and pressed stop.

"Sorry." He said as he turned around on the couch to face her. Joss shook her head as she made a B-line straight for the TV. She turned it off and sat down next to John.

"So, you wanted to talk to me?" He said in his most neutral tone. John noticed that Joss had put on her business face; she was now Detective Carter. She made no attempt to acknowledge his apology. John suddenly became nervous. He looked at the woman before him as he waited for her to speak. Although her spirits seemed higher, there was sadness in her eyes. John didn't expect it to go away overnight especially after what he witnessed the previous day. Even in her most depressing state Jocelyn Carter was still beautiful, painfully so.

Joss sat quietly for a few more seconds privately organizing her thoughts. She would try her best to remain calm and collected, there was no use letting her emotion run rampant in this situation. She ran her hands over her thighs smoothing out the nonexistent wrinkles then she turned to face John.

"I…Look John, I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking and I know what I said before but after speaking with Szymanski and giving it some thought I would like to continue helping you and your friend. However, some things will have to change." Joss looked John in the eye waiting for him to reply. He kept his neutral expression while giving a slight nod.

"I'm glad to hear that Joss but before we continue our arrangement there is something I need to say to you."

"Okay." She said, the apprehension apparent in her voice.

'I just wanted to apologize to you, really apologize. Our actions put you in an impossible situation."

Joss nodded in agreement. "And a trust was broken." Continued John. "It took a lot for you to trust us especially since we couldn't give you all of the answers upfront. Joss…" John then grabbed her hands and inched closer to her on the couch. "Is it possible for me to earn your trust again? I would never do anything to put you in harm's way. You've got to believe that." He reached a hand up to touch the ends of her hair that hung over her shoulder. " I care for you Joss, so much."

Joss looked from her hands and back to John. There was so much sincerity in his words and he once again stared at her with that intense gaze. She did trust John with her life but her feelings were another thing entirely and then it dawned on her. If John was parked outside her window today just how long had he been following her?

John noticed the change in Joss as she slowly moved her hand from his. He was crushed but immediately straightened his face; not giving away any emotions.

"How long have you been following me?" she asked in calm voice.

"Since the last time we spoke Joss. I told you I would-"

"Did you follow yesterday morning?" He did not want to lie to Carter. He was already on thin ice and the little trust she did have for him was fragile at best.

"Yes." Was all John said. He watched as Joss looked away. Her body began to mimic her actions at the cemetery. He could feel the barrage of emotions she was going through. If it had manifested to self physically John would be in a heap of trouble.

" I get you following me for work, or when you and your friend need my help with a number. But to the cemetery? Oh john…" Joss shook her head and the unsteady grip she had on her emotions was slipping and she was in a loosing battle to control them. Here she was sitting across from the man that was begging for her trust. Something that was hard for her to give before James and even harder after his death. The worst part was that she wanted so badly to trust him as a woman not just as a Detective. Before the incident with baby Leila and Szymanski she felt them headed in that direction but this halted it. Her behavior when it came to James was something no one had seen. When she would visit his grave with Taylor she never cried; always remaining strong. She was completely open for John to view and His gaze penetrated her, he saw past her defenses into a place in her bones where she hid her heartache over her husband's death and the joy of their short time together. Joss turned away feeling raw and overexposed.

John had to admit that he was somewhat confused but Joss quickly informed him of his wrong doings.

"You want me to trust you and I do John with work, with watching my back and with all that the numbers involve but you crossed the line. You followed me and listened to something so private that you had no right to know about."

"Joss, I didn't mean to." John pleaded but it fell on deaf ears.

"It doesn't matter if you didn't mean to, you did. It's my family John, my feelings. If you really want someone to trust you, you have to earn it. You can't just go around following them and spying on their darkest moments."

Joss wiped the tears from her face and continued. "How can I trust you when I know nothing about you and everything important about me - you've learned by spying on me?"

**Thanks for reading! As always reviews are appreciated : D**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks again to Maddsgirl 75 and everyone who has subscribed, favorited and reviewed this fic! **

John stared at Joss, her question lingering in the air. He was a brave man and could face almost anything but the prospect of Joss rejecting him was not something he could handle. So he sat with his usual emotionless face and waited patiently for her to continue. He would gladly be her punching bag to release all of the pent up emotions that she had been dealing with for the last few days. John knew Joss well enough to see that this was not the time to unload his feelings on her. She was obviously holding on by a thread at this point.

Joss turned her head to look at John. She shook her head. Joss honestly didn't know why she expected John to answer her question but she did. At this point she wasn't sure what he could say that would quell her anger.

"You do realize that you basically stalked me John. You may have had your reasons but I'm not a number anymore; you did your job and I am grateful, I really am." Said Joss, letting out a sigh.

"This wasn't just about you being one of the numbers Joss. Elias is still out there, still waiting to turn the crooked cops in the NYPD loose on you. He got to you once before. You were a sitting duck when you headed out of town and I'm sure Elias would appreciate the poetry of killing you while you visited your dead husband." Said John calmly.

Joss was silent as she processed John's reasoning. She knew he was right but she did not enjoy feeling helpless. She was a veteran and a cop making her more capable of protecting herself than the average New Yorker but then Elias was everywhere, with a hand in everyone's pocket. Having Moretti would only satisfy him for so long though.

"We need boundaries John. Normal people have boundaries."

"We are not exactly normal. This…" He motioned back and forth between them. "…is not normal. At least not for me." He said quietly.

"What exactly is _this_ John?" She asked, mimicking his motions. John paused a moment before standing up and walking to the door. He stopped before exiting and turned towards Joss and looked directly into her eyes." I told you once that you are not alone Joss. A well placed bullet is the only thing that will stop me from protecting you and your son." He stepped out of her door pulling the door closed behind him.

She sat in her apartment and contemplated his words. Joss knew there was something drawing them to one another besides the numbers. It was the same force that drove her to text him and in John's case the force that caused him to watch her these past few weeks. Joss felt she and John were on the cusp of something but she needed to hear the words from his mouth. She could push all she wanted but John would not budge until he was ready, she just t hoped that it was soon. Joss looked at her watch; it was still early and Taylor would not be home until the next morning so she decided to run a few errands before the shops closed.

John was content with watching her and keeping his feelings a secret until the proper time. However, listening to Joss question her ability to trust him saddened him. He thought back to the conversation that he and Jessica had before she walked out of his life and he would not allow history to repeat itself. He was not going to lose Joss. He had to make her understand the depth of his devotion to protecting her. Circumstances had seen fit to give him another chance at life with the arrival of Finch and the machine and eventually Joss. He knew from the time her number came up that she would be something more to him. John would use any means necessary to ensure the safety and survival of his new life, which in his eyes included Joss and Taylor. John's phone rang as he exited Joss's building and headed back to the library.

* * *

><p>"We have a new number Mr. Reese. I need you to come back to HQ immediately."<p>

"I'm on my way Finch." Said John.

The line went dead and John placed the phone in his pocket.

* * *

><p>It had been three weeks since John last saw Joss. He decided to heed her advice on boundaries and therefore he kept his surveillance to a minimum. He occasionally listened in to the mic on her cell phone but that was just to ensure that she was safe. Fusco still kept the doll camera on his desk so John and Finch were able to keep the usual tabs on the detective. When Finch called John to tell him of the new number he was somewhat thankful for the distraction.<p>

He was close to telling Joss his true feelings and John sensed that she felt the confession, it amazed him how she could understand him without the need for words. John also understood that when he finally told Joss that there would be no turning back. John belonged to Joss but whether she would have him or not was entirely up to her.

The number turned out to be pretty open and shut, probably one of the easiest that John and Finch had worked on so far. He did the usual surveillance on Debra Embry, a Georgia native with a voice as sweet as the peaches from her home state. Ms. Embry could charm money out a collection plate and she was well aware of this skill, which was the main reason she was in danger. John posed as a potential mark allowing her to sweet talk her way into his wallet, or so she thought. He saved her from the bullet that was sent by one of her former marks, a businessman she swindled for a few hundred thousand dollars costing the man his life savings and his marriage. John had saved her then promptly dropped her off at the police station along with a paper trail of evidence that revealed Ms. Embry's schemes.

Joss sat at her desk filling out paperwork. She looked at the clock, it was 5:30pm, she then checked her cell phone, there were no missed calls. Taylor should be done with his soccer practice by now. She usually received a call or text from her son, which served as her cue to leave her desk and head home. Joss made a point to spend at least one night a week with Taylor, preparing a home cooked meal and sitting together around the table as a normal family. She enjoyed her job but she also knew the dangers that faced wayward teenagers in New York City. She was determined to build a solid foundation for her son. She continued her mountain of paperwork for the next few minutes until her phone rang.

"Hey sweetheart, I was wondering when you would call." She answered. There was silence on the other end and Joss's senses became heightened.

"Is this Detective Carter?" Asked a male voice at the other end of the line.

Joss's brow furrowed. "Yes, this is she, who is this and why do you have my son's cell phone? Let me talk to him." She demanded. Joss kept her voice as neutral as possible. She quickly deduced that this man was not a threat; his voice was too weak, almost remorseful.

The man hesitated then spoke again. "Detective, this is Dr. Stanton at New York Presbyterian, there's been an accident."

* * *

><p>John sat at HQ watching Finch as he looked over the live camera feeds that populated his screen. John did not understand how Finch could sit and stare at that thing all day. He was restless now that Ms. Embry was in the proper hands of the authorities and he rose to leave the library. John decided to take a stroll past the precinct to check on Joss. He would only stay a few moments; just long enough to see with his own eyes that she was safe and then he would leave. John stood up gathering his coat when he heard Finch's uneven steps hurrying towards him. John turned around and was greeted with Finch's nervous expression.<p>

"Don't worry Finch, I'll only be gone for a few hours." He said smoothly.

"You better get to New York Presbyterian, something has happened to Joss's son."

* * *

><p>Joss didn't wait to hear the rest of Dr. Stanton's speech, she grabbed her keys and ran out of the precinct; darting across the street to her car. Her pulse pumped in her ears as she drove to the hospital. She said a silent prayer that Taylor would be alright but she could not shake the twisting in her gut that told her that her baby would not be okay. She arrived at the hospital, walked to the front desk and flashed her badge.<p>

"I need to speak with Dr. Stanton about Taylor Carter." She said. The nurse immediately paged the doctor and he arrived moments later.

"Detective Carter, please come with me." Joss followed the doctor down the milky white hallways of the hospital. She tried her best to remain calm as Dr. Stanton explained what had happened. They arrived at the room where Taylor was and Joss braced herself for the worse.

"The nurse has just checked in on Taylor and gave him some medication for the pain, I'm afraid it made him drowsy so he is resting." Joss looked at the doctor barely acknowledging his words as she opened the door. Nothing in her life could have prepared Joss for the wave of emotions she felt when she saw her son. She walked over to his side and examined his face, tears immediately filled her eyes. She listened to Dr. Stanton list her son's injuries but it was nothing compared to the sight before her. This image would be forever burned into her brain. Her son, her baby that she carried and tried so hard to protect lay in the hospital like a battered and bruised rag doll. Somehow he looked so much younger to Joss. Dizziness and nausea washed over her immediately, she quickly found a chair and collapsed in it. Joss felt her breath quicken as she felt the beginnings of a full-blown panic attack.

* * *

><p>John made it to New York Presbyterian in record time. The emergency room entrance was fairly busy so he slipped in easily and made his way to the main area of the hospital. John noticed a small group of EMTs and decided they were his best bet. It was easy to pump them for information on Taylor once he explained that he was a concerned family friend. John turned the corner and stopped in front of Taylor's room. He saw Joss sitting next to her son as he lay in the hospital bed sleeping. John sat down in one of the chairs that lined the hallway. He wanted to give Joss some time alone.<p>

Joss had calmed down after her previous panic attack, Taylor was still sleeping so she stepped outside to call her mother and update her on Taylor's condition. She didn't want to disturb him despite the fact that Taylor would be sleeping for a while. Joss stepped outside of the hospital room and closed the door softly. She took a moment to rest the back of her head on the door and take a deep breath. It was important for her to stay calm. Taylor would awake and be faced with a harsh reality. Joss opened her eyes and noticed John as he sat in the chair facing the door.

"Finch told me…how is he?" John asked searching Joss's face. She turned around and opened the door motioning for John to follow her inside. Joss and John stood at the foot of the hospital bed. She gave him time to process Taylor's condition before she spoke.

"Taylor was in the passenger seat, his teammate Ryan was driving. He is two years older than Taylor. The driver of the other car ran the light; he was speeding and hit the car on the driver's side. Ryan didn't make it." John watched Joss as she spoke; her years of working homicide ususally helped her distance herself slightly from death but her eyes were glassy and puffy from crying. She was calm now but John was not sure how long that would last.

They remained silent with John watching Joss look at her son. She didn't have the strength to speak about her son. John could see that, he was an expert in the many ways to destroy the human body; he knew just by looking at Taylor that the extent of his injuries was severe. John ran his eyes over the sleeping teenager taking inventory of his injuries. The curly hair that covered his head was shaved and the right side of his head held stiches about half an inch behind his hairline. That injury most likely originated from Taylor hitting his head on the passenger window. As a result of that impact Taylor also had a black eye and some bruising on his cheek. His torso was bulkier under the hospital gown which John gathered was bandaging for more than one broken or cracked rib. His right leg was in a cast and sling and minor cuts and some bruising decorated his arms. John could take some comfort in the fact that Taylor's injures, while they looked gruesome now, would heal barring no further discoveries.

As John watched Joss he was unsure how to comfort her. If Taylor were hurt intentionally he would hunt down the men responsible and perform the unspeakable acts that had become second nature to him but Taylor's injuries were not the result of Elias, a drug cartel or some gangbangers on the street. He was injured in a car accident, an accident that resulted in the death of his friend and the driver of the other vehicle. There was no one to kill, question or torture. John had never felt so useless before. He turned to Joss wrapping her in his embrace and stroked her hair as she silently sobbed on his shoulder.

**Let me know what you think!**


	4. Chapter 4

She stood there leaning on John for what felt like a lifetime. Her tears had subsided but she needed the moment to release her emotions. She finally stepped back from his embrace wiping her face as she tried to compose herself. Taylor was safe and he would heal; she needed to be strong for him.

John held her gaze silently giving her his reassurance that he would be there for her, no matter what. He leaned in and placed a light kiss against her temple and motioned her towards the chair. Joss looked almost as beat up as her son. Her emotions had wreaked havoc on her physically. He pulled a second chair from the corner of the room and pushed it towards Joss and sat down next to her. It was well into the early hours of the morning and the hospital was mostly quiet.

"I think you should try and get some sleep Joss."

John noticed the almost vacant look in her eyes as she turned to face him. John grabbed her hand gently before he spoke.

"It's ok, I'm not leaving, you're both safe."

He watched as her body relaxed some and she closed her eyes. John continued to watch Joss until he noticed that her breath had evened out. He knew Joss needed whatever rest she could get. He looked over at Taylor once more noticing that he was still asleep. John pulled out his phone and sent Finch a text message informing him that he would contact him later that day. He then resumed his position watching over Joss and Taylor. John was sure the boy would not wake up for at least another hour or two so he sat patiently waiting.

Joss woke up to the sound of hushed voices. She slowly opened her eyes squinting as she readjusted to the harsh lights in her son's hospital room. The same nurse that checked on Taylor was now talking to John.

"Oh good, you're awake." Said the nurse. She was a few years younger than Joss with a kind face and red curly hair pulled back in a neat bun.

"Is something wrong?" Asked Joss with slight panic in her voice. She felt John reach his hand over lightly touching her forearm.

" Well Mrs. Carter I was-"

"Miss. It's Miss Carter." Joss said mostly to herself. She looked up to see the nurse eyeing her and watched as her blue eyes traveled from John to Joss then finally to their hands that were loosely intertwined. She cleared her throat and then continued.

"Well, Ms. Carter, Taylor seems to be doing fine. There seems to be no other injuries aside from the ones we have already treated him for. The doctor will return when Taylor wakes up and then we can go from there." She said offering Joss a smile.

"Thank you." Said Joss as she let out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. She removed her hand from John's turning towards her son as she grabbed his hand a placed a kiss on it.

John felt a small twinge of hurt when Joss corrected the nurse. He knew the moment the woman had walked into to Taylor's room that she suspected he and Joss were involved. He knew it was probably a force of habit for Joss but it still bothered him. He also noticed the way she tensed when he touched her hand and how she removed herself from his touch after the nurse left. He realized she still was not ready and this was part of the boundaries speech she gave him earlier. He decided to take a quick walk around the hospital to give Joss some time alone with her son.

She held her Taylor's hand gently in hers. She did not want to cause him any additional pain. Her mind was racing, she hadn't meant to sound harsh when she had corrected the nurse. Joss had not been referred to as "Mrs." in a long time. She noticed the slight change in John's eyes when she had removed her hand from his but chose to ignore it. Whatever unresolved issues lay between them would have to be put on a shelf. She needed to focus her energy on Taylor and his recovery. Surely John could understand. She raised her hand slowly stroking Taylor's now bald head and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. She heard John shift and stand up, he paused a moment before heading towards the doors. She looked over her shoulder, sharing a knowing look with him before turning her attention back to Taylor.

John exited the room and began his trek down the hallway. He reached for his phone to call Finch and properly update him on the situation.

"Mr. Reese, how is everything?" asked Finch

" Taylor's pretty beat up but he should be fine. The doctor's waiting for him to wake up."

"Yes, I can see. I took the liberty of accessing his medical records. I took a look at the X-Rays. I've also obtained footage of the crash from the traffic cameras. He is a very lucky young man. Judging by the looks of the vehicle I'd say Taylor and his friend were bounced around like beads in a rattler. How is Detective Carter doing?"

John sighed. He honestly couldn't read Joss. She had opened up somewhat but she seemed to be closing herself off now.

"She's holding up as best as she can." He finally replied.

"Good. I'll be in touch Mr. Reese." John hung up the phone and continued his walk.

* * *

><p>He returned to the room and entered quietly. John took in the scene of Joss with her head resting on the hospital bed while she held the boy's hand. He moved closer and noticed that Taylor had woken up. John starred at the boy as his eyes fluttered and squinted adjusting to the lighting in the room. He froze not sure what to do. He watched as Taylor's large brown eyes roamed over his arms, and then to his leg and finally he looked around the room. The teenager's mouth opened as he tried to speak.<p>

"It's okay Taylor," said John softly as he moved closer to the bed so Taylor could see him. "You're in the hospital." He continued.

The boy looked at John, the panic evident in his eyes. He attempted to sit up further but winced at the pain that surged through his torso.

Joss felt her hand move; she popped her head up immediately and looked at Taylor. His eyes were open, and she felt the tension in his body. Following his gaze she saw John at the foot of his bed. She quickly looked from John to Taylor before speaking.

"Taylor, sweetie." She watched as he turned his head towards her; his face changed from one of panic to relief at seeing her. She smiled at him standing up so he would not have to strain to see her. She reached towards table next to the bed and grabbed the small cup of water. Joss brought it to his mouth helping him to take a sip. She rubbed small circles on the back of his hand allowing him a moment to adjust.

"What happened? Why am I here?" he asked in a small hoarse voice.

"You and Ryan were in a car accident." Replied Joss

He watched as the realization hit her son. Taylor brought his left hand up to pull at his hair, in what John could only assume was a nervous habit. Taylor ran his hand over the stitches, wincing slightly.

"Mom, where's Ryan?" He asked in a voice barely above a whisper.

John looked on, unsure of what to do. Joss's gaze travelled around the room before settling on John. He shared a look with her. "I'll go and get the doctor." He said and exited the room. John headed towards the desk area to ask for Dr. Stanton and inform him that Taylor had woken up.

Joss waited until John left the room. She could tell by the look in his eyes that he knew her next words would not be easy to swallow. She watched his face; waiting for him to give her a signal that he was ready for the news.

"Ryan didn't make it. The driver of the other car ran through the red light and straight into the driver's side of the car. Ryan died on impact. Taylor-"

"What about the guy who hit us?"

Joss remained silent and shook her head side to side. Her eyes had glassed over but she swallowed the tears and watched her son. Taylor sat for a few moments as an array of emotions moved across his face.

"I'm the only one left?" He whispered.

A sob erupted from his chest as tears began to flow from his eyes. The realization of her words had hit Taylor in that moment. Her son had changed from a headstrong teenager to a little boy in an instant. Joss reached around to embrace him as he wept. She placed kisses on his head and ran her hand lightly over his back.

John was able to get a hold of the doctor rather quickly and they rounded the corner back to Taylor's room. Dr. Stanton reached for the door handle but John reached out to still the older man's hand. He silently pointed to the small window in the door where they watched Joss consoling a distraught Taylor. John opened to door slightly clearing his throat to get Joss's attention.

"Sorry, Dr. Stanton is ready to see you." He said.

"Ok, just give us just a minute." She replied. She bent down to whisper in Taylor's ear. The boy raised his head, attempting to wipe his face and erase any evidence of his tears as Dr. Stanton entered the room followed by John.

He stood quietly by the door as Dr. Stanton approached Taylor and Joss. John focused on everything the doctor told Joss and her son; committing it all to memory. John had dealt with these types of injuries and had suffered through them more times than he would like to remember. He watched as the doctor gave a few overviews of what to expect as Taylor went through the healing process. The doctor then handed Joss the number of a specialist who would help her son with therapy for his leg. During the 45 minutes that Dr. Stanton spoke with Joss, John observed Taylor. There was no doubt in his mind that the young man had a long journey ahead of him to recovery both physically and emotionally. John recognized the distant look in the boy's eyes and the way the various muscles in his face twitched as Taylor tried to keep his tears at bay. He also saw the way Taylor squeezed Joss's hand like a frightened child, which is in fact what he was. In his young life Taylor had suffered two great losses; most adults would be warped and damaged by their grief but Taylor had someone that most adults didn't, he had Joss. She was one of the strongest people John knew and whether or not Taylor knew it, he now had John as well.

As she wrapped up her conversation with the doctor, Joss felt herself calm just a little. Taylor's physical wounds would heal but she was still weary of the affect that losing his friend Ryan would have on him. The doctor motioned for Joss to follow him to fill out the final paperwork to have Taylor discharged and taken home.

Joss parted ways with Dr. Stanton and proceeded to fill out the discharge paperwork. She smiled at the nurse in the window, recognizing her from earlier when she had checked in on Taylor.

"Ms. Carter," said the redheaded nurse. "I hope you don't think I'm overstepping but I wanted to give you this." She handed Joss a business card. "It's the number to a great juvenile counselor, just in case." She said, trailing off.

Joss examined the card for a moment then smiled.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

John sat quietly as Joss and the doctor exited the room; leaving him alone with Taylor. The boy's eyes still held their distant look as he unconsciously ran his hand over the bandages on his forearms. Taylor's raspy voice cut through the silence engulfing the room.

"Who are you?" He asked, turning to face John. Taylor tried once again to adjust his positioning and was quickly met with assistance from John after he crossed the room in a few large strides.

"Thanks," said Taylor as John helped position him and the pillows. John noticed Taylor look him over, trying to memorize his appearance. John smiled internally; he truly was Joss Carter's son.

"So..."

"My name is John. I'm a friend of your mother's." He replied.

"Like a work friend or..." He replied trailing off.

John smirked slightly. "Yes, we work together occasionally."

Taylor nodded slightly before continuing. "Are you her partner then?"

"No, I'm not a cop but I give your mom back up when she needs it."

John studied the boy's reaction. He wore a strange expression on his face. John wasn't sure if it was relief or disappointment.

Joss returned to the hospital room with a wheelchair; ready to take Taylor to the garage where she was parked. One awkward glare from Taylor and a few frustrating seconds later; John had managed to lift the teenager and gently place him into the wheel chair. Taylor mumbled a 'thank you' and they proceeded to leave the hospital. Joss was grateful to John for remaining at the hospital overnight. He was a silent wall of strength for her and she wasn't sure if he knew how much it truly meant to her. Joss smiled once again when John helped Taylor into to the car and once more when he helped her son up the front steps of their brownstone and wheeled him into he apartment. Joss noticed Taylor seemed slightly at ease in John's presence, which honestly made her feel relieved. Joss never thought of Taylor and John meeting but it happened and she was glad that it had, although the circumstances were not ideal in the least bit.

John waited on Joss's couch while she got Taylor settled in his room. By now the sun was setting as the evening approached. He could hear the muffled voices coming from the teenager's bedroom, it sounded as if Taylor was asking about wanting to speak with someone but John couldn't be sure. If there was one thing he'd learned from dealing with Joss; it was not to listen in on conversations unless it was life or death. So John sat quietly until Joss came down the hall and sat down on the couch next to him. He got a sense of déjà vu as they say beside one another. The last time John was in joss's apartment, he had confessed his feelings to her…in his own way. Now here they were once again, on the couch, both with an unconscionable amount of feelings coursing through them.

* * *

><p>Let me know what you think! Thanks again to Maddsgirl75<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

As always a huge Thank You to Maddsgirl 75 for beta-ing

* * *

><p>They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes each lost in their own thought. The day's events had left both Joss and John in a reflective mood and neither of the pair knew exactly how to voice the emotions that coursed through them.<p>

"Would you like a beer?" she said, her voice echoing in the silence that had surrounded them only moments before. She stood up not waiting for John's response and made her way to the kitchen. Joss opened the fridge and stared a moment before sighing and grabbing two beers from the top shelf. She headed back to the couch placing the bottle on the coffee table in front of John before settling down next to him. She grabbed the bottle opener she kept on her keys, opened her beer, and silently handed the opener to John who did the same. Joss took a small sip then placed the bottle back down. She felt his intense gaze and she felt compelled to turn around and face him. She was out of her element in almost every way. Taylor's injuries had thrown her off balance and caused her to show more of her personal side to John. He was respecting her requests for boundaries, which she greatly appreciated. There was no doubt in her mind after John had spent the entire night with her in the hospital that he was a good, trustworthy man. He did not make her feel weak or small because of her emotional display. John was able to take the tears and panicked expressions in stride and offer her the silent, non-judgmental support she craved.

John watched as Joss sat on the couch peeling the label from her beer bottle which had now become slick with condensation. He was not in the mood for a drink but he would take any opportunity to stay with Joss a while longer. Despite being unsure of her reaction John wanted desperately to reassure her. She was looking straight ahead at the TV but her mind was clearly somewhere else. John took this opportunity to once again touch her forearm lightly rubbing the pad of his thumb in a circular motion. Her skin was soft and smooth under his fingertips. He was afraid she would pull away from him, like she had done in the hospital but her body relaxed into his touch. A smile graced his face when Joss turned around.

Joss offered a smile of her own and did not move away this time when John touched her. It was exactly what she needed. She showed him she was not upset this time by moving closer to him so their thighs touched. She leaned her head on his shoulder as he moved his arm around her body and wrapped her in a reassuring embrace. She felt his hand move up and down rubbing her shoulder. Fatigue set in and her eyelids began to flutter.

"Thank you, John" she whispered.

He sat with his arm wrapped around Joss until she fell asleep. He knew he should get some sleep too but Joss was so peaceful and John was feeling selfish for once. He wanted so badly to go to sleep with Joss wrapped in his arms and to wake up to the sounds of her and Taylor moving about the apartment beginning their day. He shifted, easing Joss from his arms. She stirred but her eyes remained closed. John then reached down and lifted Joss and carried her bridal style down the hall to her bedroom. Once he was inside John gently placed her on the bed, positioning her under her floral comforter. He took the moment to memorize her face before heading out of her home and back to the apartment Finch had given him.

* * *

><p>"Mom!" yelled Taylor from the living room. Joss came sprinting down the hallway towards the living room. "Is everything ok?"<p>

"Yea, it's for you." He said, handing her the phone and grinning from ear to ear. She eyed Taylor as she answered, since when did he answer her phone calls?

"Hello?"

"Hey Joss, how are you?"

She smiled and headed towards the kitchen turning away from her son's prying eyes and ears. It had been a week since Taylor had returned home and John managed to contact her everyday to check in on them. The conversations were short but much appreciated.

"I'm fine, I take it you've already spoken to Taylor." She heard him chuckle and it made her smile even wider.

"Yes, he definitely sounds in better spirits." Joss nodded along as she picked up the pile of mail laying on the counter and thumbed through it, stopping when she saw the small envelope addressed to Taylor.

"He is for now but I'm afraid it may be short lived." she said letting out a sigh. "I have to go John."

"Sure..." He said, hearing the change in her tone. "…until tomorrow, Joss."  
>Joss ended the call and grabbed the envelope. She had been dreading this moment from the time she arrived home with Taylor. She had talked to Ryan's grandmother, Paula, and even helped to get her in contact with a funeral home on the outskirts of the city, that would be able to help with the service. An understanding developed between the two women that left Joss felling a mixture of guilt and relief. She chose to keep it from Taylor until the announcement came in the mail giving her time to prepare for his reaction; whatever it might be. She made her way back to the living room where Taylor was engrossed in some sports broadcast. Joss walked up to the couch, grabbed the remote, and muted the TV.<p>

"Taylor, we need to talk," she said. She came around to sit next to him handing him the envelope when she sat down. Joss had gone over what to say more times that she could count but now she found herself at a loss for words. She watched her son's reaction as he tore open the envelope and read through the funeral announcement. It was formatted in a tasteful fashion with a picture of the deceased teenager in his soccer uniform. Taylor placed the announcement on the coffee table and remained silent. Joss reached out to comfort Taylor but he moved away. He was trying to remain strong. She moved closer to him placing her arms gently around his shoulders. Taylor rested the bruise less side of his face on Joss's shoulder.  
>"It's okay to be upset Taylor." She began. "You know I'm here when you want to talk."<p>

"Yeah." He replied, in a short tone. "I'm going to my room." The teenager moved to get up. Joss stood to try and help him but he brushed off her attempt and headed to his room. These were the times when she missed James the most. Joss had been fortunate that despite her hectic work schedule she remained close with her son but she always knew there would be growing pains. As much as she tried; it was becoming more difficult to raise a young man. She could raise him to be the perfect gentleman but there were still some lessons that he needed to learn from an adult male; leaving Joss in unfamiliar territory.

* * *

><p>The days leading up to Ryan's funeral came and went without any fuss. Joss had worked a few half days at the precinct; mainly on desk duty, and her mother stayed at her apartment with Taylor. From the outside it appeared to be business as usual. However the calm aura didn't sit well with Joss. She had too much experience with tragedy and death and this was the calm before the storm and all she could do was brace herself for the impact.<p>

Joss checked her appearance one final time in the small mirror of her blue sedan before taking a deep breath and stepping outside to the grave site. The morning sun was high in the sky but a light breeze kept temperatures at a pleasant level for the beginning of summer. Joss arrived a few minutes early and made her way through the crowd making polite conversation until she reached the front rows where Paula was seated. The older woman offered Joss a small smile and gestured to the empty seat next to her. The crowd began to dissolve to take their seats. Joss looked around and spotted Taylor sitting with his teammates, soccer coaches, and various classmates. A hush came over the crowd as the minister began to speak.

After the ceremony most of the teenagers went straight for the food then broke off into their respective social groups. The adults mirrored their behaviors; talking amongst themselves in small clusters of four or five. Joss made her way around the clusters of funeral attendees feeling out of place. She found a comfortable place off to the side of the activity observing everyone over the next few hours. She thought of John and wondered if this was how he felt when he watched her at James' s grave.

The gathering thinned as parents collected their children to head home. Joss followed suit; gathering Taylor as they waited to greet the older woman. Each family stopped by to give their condolences to Ryan's grandmother. Paula handled the families with a grace and composure that Joss admired. Joss learned it was a skill the older woman had developed over many years of loosing various family members. Aside from a few distant relatives scattered across the country; Ryan's grandmother was virtually alone. When it was their turn the older woman wrapped both mother and son in a fierce embrace. It must seemed strange, even inappropriate, to the other guests but grief had its own way of bringing people together who may have otherwise been apart.

* * *

><p>John kept his distance, much to his dismay, over the past week. A new number came in leaving little time to rest, however it did not stop John from finding a way to contact Joss and Taylor by phone. He could hear the smile in her voice when he spoke with her. But that changed during their last conversation. He checked the time as he walked the block or so toward her apartment. She and Taylor should be home by now. He knocked on their door and then waited. Suddenly John felt unsure of himself, however those feelings were dismissed when he was greeted by Joss.<p>

She seemed surprised at his presence but offered him a welcoming smile none the less.

"It's nice to see you." She said, as she opened the door wider; allowing him to enter.

"I just finished with a number and I was in the neighborhood." He said, walking past her and scanning the living room.

She nodded her head as the pair made their way to her dining room table. They took their respective seats, she pointed to her mug of coffee, and John shook his head to decline the offer.

"How were things today?" He asked.

"As well as expected, the service was nice. Paula, Ryan's grandma, handled it well."

"And Taylor?"

Her eyebrows rose. "He hasn't said two words since we left and he didn't even come out for dinner." She shook her head and took a sip from her mug. "He inherited the Carter 'tough man' syndrome, making him more stubborn than usual."

John raised an eyebrow. "So…more like his mother."

Carter glared at him, but she managed to smile making it less menacing. "I think I need a refill. Are you sure you don't want any?" She said, glancing down at the empty mug.

"I'm fine."

When she left the room John noticed the previously obscured business card on the table. He rotated the card towards him. It read: **Juvenile Counseling Services**. He frowned and turned the card around as Joss made her way back to the table.

She noticed him looking at the card. "I'm just afraid of him keeping everything inside. He and Ryan were pretty close but now he just needs someone that isn't his mom."

"Let me talk to him." He said.

"Really?" Joss couldn't hide the surprise in her voice. "I can't ask you to…"

"You didn't ask, I offered." He said, giving her a reassuring smile.

* * *

><p>John stood next to Joss as she knocked on the door calling for her son. Eventually the teenager responded with a monotone 'come in'. He opened the door for her to enter first then he followed.<p>

"Taylor, you have a visitor." She said and stepped aside allowing the teenager a full view.

"Hello Taylor." Said John, as he walked further into the room and stood off to the side. The boy eyed him, looking back and forth between the two adults.

Joss cleared her throat. "Well, I'll leave you two alone." And then she exited the room. Both John and Taylor noticed that she left the door slightly ajar, ready to act if their conversation was not agreeable.

Taylor sat up as best he could and then removed his headphones. "What's up?"  
>John smirked and took a seat at the desk positioned at the bottom corner of his bed.<p>

"I thought I'd stop by and say hello."

Taylor nodded his head but didn't reply. Silence fell over the pair; each of their brains buzzing, trying to figure out the other's next move. John took this time to survey the surroundings. The room was decorated with four large posters on each wall. John knew Taylor played soccer so the New York Red Bulls poster above his bed seemed the most appropriate. On the wall to left next to the door frame was another poster for Arsenal FC. The wall opposite Taylor held a generic NFL poster above his dresser. Finally in front of the desk was an army recruitment poster. In typical teenage fashion the room was a little chaotic but not too messy; he concluded this was a result of Taylor's limited mobility. A black gym bag was shoved in the corner with his blue and red soccer kit spread across the top. There were a few pictures on the desk, a group shot of the soccer team and one that John recognized from his father's grave.

"I guess it's safe to say Henry is your favorite player." Said John in a casual tone. He watched the young man; gauging his reaction.

"Maybe. You like him?" The boy countered, folding his arms across his chest a challenge in his eyes.

John sat up some. "He's good, but I prefer Van Persie." He mimicked the teenager's body language as if to say: check. The boy narrowed his eyes giving John the same direct gaze he offered. This went on for a few minutes. Taylor was the first to break the silence.

" Look, I know my mom probably asked you to talk to me but I'm cool. You seem like an alright guy so don't feel like you have to be friendly with me to get in my mom's good graces."

"I don't have an ulterior motive. But you're smart enough to know she is worried about you."

"Mom and I are fine. Any way I don't see how this really concerns you." John could hear the irritation in his voice but it didn't deter him. He was definitely his mother's son, thought John. The boy had a glare that could rival Carter's. Under his tough guy facade John could see the hurt in his eyes though. The internal battle between the adolescent boy, fighting to prove he was a man, and the child, who needed to be coddled and consoled. No matter the friendly nature of prior conversations Taylor was protective of his mother and their relationship. John relaxed his stance trying a different approach, the last thing he wanted was to antagonize the teenager.

"We do work together but I also consider your mother a friend. What is important to her is important to me. I do know there is nothing your mother won't do to make sure that you are alright."

"Yeah I guess." Said Taylor in a relenting tone.

They talked for a few more minutes about nothing in particular before John stood and made his way towards the door.

"Hey John, How did you know Henry was my favorite player?" Asked Taylor.

John paused as he opened the door farther and came face to face with Joss, who obviously was eavesdropping on his talk with her son.

"I'll tell you next time I stop by." He said, never breaking eye contact with Joss. A smile crept across her face though she tried her best not to let it, but the moment was interrupted when her son maneuvered out of his room and stood beside John.

He turned towards Taylor as the boy spoke. " When will that be?"

"Well I think you better ask your mother about that."

Two sets of eyes were turned on Joss. The smoky blues staring at her with such intensity and need for acceptance; while her son's brown eyes reminded her of his younger days when everything seemed to excite and enthrall him.

"We'll have to see." She said, turning to fix her gaze back to John.

"But mom…" Joss turned, giving her son a look that left no room for discussion.

"Okay… I guess I'll see you later John." Said Taylor. John gave him a reassuring pat on the back before closing his bedroom door.

They stood face to face in her hallway as she contemplated the turn in events. Joss was glad that her son was responding to John but it also made her nervous. The past would catch up to him eventually and there was no telling who could be caught in the crosshairs. She also knew that he would give his life to protect her and Taylor but all it took was one well-placed bullet, as he'd put it, and they would be alone for a second time. But then they'd only talked briefly…perhaps she was getting ahead of herself.

He placed his hands on her shoulders slowly slid them up, making his way to the back of her neck. His adroit touch subdued the anxious energy she was emitting. He smiled as she closed her eyes moving her head to give him better access. He worked his way down across the top of her back and again back up to her neck. When he finished John cupped her face in his large hands, leaned closer, and kissed her. It was light and gentle and completely unlike the kisses he imagined giving Joss. But he wanted to soothe her pain and place her mind at ease.

"Get some rest Joss." He whispered

She thought John was infectious and Taylor had inherited both her stubbornness and her heart. It wouldn't be long before John managed to make her son love him as much as she did.

* * *

><p>Let me know what you think : D<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I know it's been FOREVER since I updated but I ran into a nasty case of writer's block with this story. Thank you to Maddsgirl75 for being a kick butt beta! Special shout out to Wolfmusic218! Thank you for the great advice!

* * *

><p>The next morning Joss awoke feeling rested. She'd taken John's advice and quickly fell into a deep sleep. She showered, dressed and even had time to enjoy her coffee. The hot liquid filled her with warmth and she let her mind wander to the man in the suit.<p>

John's touch left a lingering sensation on her skin. The kiss stilled weighed on her mind, the same man that could kill and maim, possessed such gentleness and control in a situation that the average person would have taken advantage of. But that was John, always surprising her. A crash followed by a loud yelp broke Joss from her musings.

Joss hurried to the origin of the noise to find Taylor with a death grip on the sink as he tried to balance on his uninjured leg. Toiletries littered the bathroom floor around him.  
>Joss looked at him incredulously. "You okay?" she asked.<p>

"Yea," he replied, attempting to right himself.

"Do I even want to know what you were doing?" Joss fought to suppress a laugh.  
>Taylor smiled sheepishly. He pointed to the small clippers in the sink and Joss nodded. Since the accident his curly mane was making a comeback. His hair had grown in. It was not long enough to curl but given more time it would start.<p>

Joss grabbed the chair from his desk easing him into it. Taylor covered his shoulders with a towel and handed her the clippers.

"I don't have to tell you how much of a bad idea that was."

"I almost had it. Just lost my footing."

Taking hold of the clippers she asked, "All gone or just cleaning it up?"

He thought for a moment. "Clean it up. You do know what you're doing, right?"

"Hush," she said, swatting his shoulder. "Who do you think cut your hair before you started going to the shop? First time I took you to the barbershop you screamed bloody murder before they even turned the clippers on."

With his head tilted forward Joss carefully traced his hairline.

The buzzing noise filled the small space as the detective concentrated on her task.

"We ever going to have that talk?"

"What talk?" Asked Joss. As she maneuvered towards his right ear, Taylor brought his fingers up folding the cartilage to give her better access.

"About John."

"What about John?" She replied, repeating the same process over his left ear. An eye roll accompanied the sigh that escaped his mouth. Teenagers.

"He said you guys were friends. That means he'll be coming over again, right?" The teenager attempted to turn his head to get a better look. Moving around his left side Joss crouched down on her haunches tilting his chin at an angle.

"The decision is not just mine Taylor. We both live here so you have a say as well." Her tone was diplomatic and her face neutral. They both knew he had a say up to a certain extent. Joss was still the parent in this situation, but she always considered her son's point of view. They were more important now since he had interacted with John on more than one occasion. She wanted her son's honest opinion; one not influenced by the way she felt. Her movements stilled as she waited for Taylor to speak. His brow furrowed as he thought over his reply.

"John's cool. I guess it's okay if he comes by sometimes." He replied with a shrug of his shoulders.

Joss smiled and continued her work. "There," she said. Handing him the small mirror.

"How'd I do?"

"Not bad," said the teenager, turning his head from side to side. He grabbed the brush from the sink and started smoothing his hair into place.

"If John is going to come over you have to keep it to yourself."

"Yeah, okay."

"I'm serious Taylor, you can't tell your friends, not even Grandma."

He stopped brushing his hair giving Joss a puzzled look.

"Why do we have to keep it a secret?"

Joss remained silent as she placed the clippers in the cabinet and began to pick up the spilled items from the floor.

"The type of work he does is...complicated. It's better for everyone if we just keep it to ourselves okay?" She gave him a look, hoping to convey the seriousness of this decision. Letting John into their lives could bring equal amounts of joy and misery. Taylor was growing into a young adult and 'because I said so' would no longer appease him.

He nodded his head. "John said you guys work together sometimes. Has he ever helped you out of a complicated situation?"

The detective lowered her gaze and said nothing. Taylor nodded his head in understanding. The pair remained silent while she finished straightening his bathroom.

When she finished, the detective headed to the kitchen to make breakfast while Taylor got dressed. There was still time to spare before they headed to his follow up appointment.

Joss was treading a fine line having this talk with Taylor. John would come back to their home and he would speak with her son. Taylor was keen on picking up certain things about the situations around him, especially when they concerned his mother, but he was a teenager and teenagers told their friends everything. A few text messages about his mother's suspected new boyfriend and the who's who of government agencies following John may focus more energy on her and her son.

* * *

><p>John held the camera up snapping photos of the latest number. So far everything was pretty anticlimactic. The young man, David Harris, recently left the doctor's office and was currently sleeping off the drugs from his oral surgery. In other words he was safe unless the dentist or his girlfriend were planning to knock him off. Finch ran background checks on both parties and they turned out clean. He was safe for now. Placing his camera on the back seat, he was getting ready to leave when he noticed a group of teenagers sitting on the bleachers near the basketball court. What caught his attention was the cobalt colored cast that was resting on the bleachers. A few of the boys blocked his view, but John was sure it was Taylor. During his last visit Joss mentioned a follow up appointment scheduled for the previous day. He wasn't too surprised that he was out and about. From what Joss said his ribs were healing nicely and Taylor took to his crutches quickly. After his initial meeting with the teenager, John stopped by once more to drop off a poster and have a brief chat with Joss. That was before his birthday, before Joss found out about New Rochelle.<p>

Another set of bleachers formed a right angle with Taylor's location. John took a seat seemingly watching the pick up game but his position gave him a great view into the circle of teenagers. Sitting next to Taylor was a girl sporting a black pixie haircut, dressed in jeans and a shirt that encompassed every color known to man. On the other side was a boy about the same build as Taylor, with shaggy auburn hair. He was wearing a Marbury high school debate t-shirt and cargo shorts. John concluded they must be Britney and Sam, Taylor's two closest friends after Ryan. They chatted and laughed for a few more minutes before they were joined by two obviously older boys, a blonde who was the same height as John and the one with a buzz cut who was a few inches shorter. The trio's demeanor shifted with the new presence. The duo zeroed in on Taylor's buddy obviously antagonizing the boy.

John moved closer to hear the exchange.

"What up Ginger?" said the blonde.

"What do you want Kyle?"

"Aww Ginger," said Kyle placing his hand over his heart pretending to be wounded, "That hurt man. I thought we were cool."

The redhead rolled his eyes letting out an exasperated sigh before turning to Taylor. It was apparent that his fight or flight response was telling him to bolt.

The five teenagers did not notice the tall man in the dark suit moving closer to them. He watched as Kyle and his lackey did their best to block Taylor and his friends from leaving.

"Give it a rest," said Taylor.

"You want some too Carter?" Said the boy moving closer to Taylor. Kyle towered over the teenager, fixing him with a menacing stare.

"You and your gang of losers don't belong here. Or did I not make myself clear earlier."

"Do whatever you want man. I'm not afraid of you," replied Taylor standing up taller in defiance. Despite his friends pleas to just leave him alone the pair stood there staring each other down.

"Well, I see you grew a pair now that Ryan isn't here to protect you."  
>Kyle backed up some. "I told him he was too good to hang around with you, but he didn't listen. Now look where he is six feet under."<p>

Taylor's jaw flexed and he held a white-knuckle grip on his crutches. "Shut up Kyle!"

"Make me" challenged the older boy, giving Taylor a light push. He wavered some but maintained his balance. Taylor remained silent but his eyes blazed with newfound range. Looking him up and down with a satisfied smirk the boy continued. "That's what I thought Carter."

A new emotion awakened within John. The need to protect was stronger than any he'd felt before. If the person harassing Taylor were an adult John would be more than equipped to fix the situation. However, he was a child and no matter how much of a jerk he was, John did not hurt children. He refrained from stepping in, not sure of what he would say or do.

"Seems you're something of a jinx."

"Leave him alone Kyle," said the girl.

"Shut up Britney!" Exclaimed the teenager, turning towards her.

"I'm talking to the jinx. You got your girlfriend sticking up for you jinx?" He asked with a smug laugh. Both boys continued as Taylor's anger seethed and simmered. Kyle and his sidekick were too busy laughing to notice Taylor who dropped his crutch and took a wild swing. He managed to land a blow to Kyle's face making contact with his nose. The blonde was momentarily stunned as blood streamed from his nose.

Britney, Sam, and the lackey all wore expressions of shock. Even John was a tiny bit surprised. John felt a strange sense of pride at that moment.

John approached them holding up the badge he acquired from Det. Stills. Flashing it quickly he took advantage of the shocked state of the teenagers.

"What's going on here?"

"Uh nothing officer." Stammered Sam.

"Doesn't look like nothing to me." He replied.

"He punched me in the nose! " Shouted Kyle, pointing at Taylor with his bloodied hand. "Do something!"

"Calm down, let me have a look." The older man surveyed Kyle's nose. It wasn't broken and the bleeding had slowed. "I suggest you run home and take care of that."

"But-"

"Now." Replied John in a firm tone. Kyle and his friend left the park but not before fixing Taylor with a death glare.

"You know this guy T?" Asked Britney, giving John a once over.

The teenager gave john a puzzled look before turning to his friends. "He's a family friend. I guess I better go." He said, turning to his friends.

"You sure man?"

Taylor nodded his head. "Yea I'll see you guys later."

"Thanks man. You know, for sticking up for me. Those guys can be real assho- uh jerks." Said Sam, looking up at John.

"Don't mention it."

When his friends left, John and the teenager walked towards his car. They rode in silence the entire time as they headed towards his grandmother's place. John parked the car. A majority of his anger subsided as they made their way up the stairs.

"Taylor, does your mother know about those boys?"

"I'm not a kid, I can handle it. Anyway, today was a fluke."

"How so?"

Taylor sighed. "Kyle and his friends don't hang at that park. Some kids from school got together to help Ryan's grandma. I guess they decided to help. But I _said_I was handling it."

John nodded, "Maybe, but guys like that don't let up. And with your leg you're more vulnerable."

" You think I don't know that?" Frustration and anger colored his statement. "They rag on me and Sam, give us a hard time about being on scholarship but they usually laid off when Ryan was around. "John listened patiently as the boy continued.

Taylor shook his head before continuing. "Mom doesn't like fighting and I'm not going to risk getting kicked out of school for some jerks. I just got so _mad_." The boy's fists were balled and his brow knitted. "You're not going to tell her are you?" He asked, facing John. Taylor's eyes were pleading for his discretion.

John hated the idea of lying to Joss especially when it concerned her son. He shook his head. "I won't for now, but I will tell her if you don't talk to her. Got it?"

"Deal. I better go. I told grandma I was on the way."

"I'll walk you up." Offered John.

"It's cool, mom explained everything."

The statement was met with raised eyebrows, but John remained silent. Eventually Joss would have to talk with Taylor about John. Although at the moment, the greatest risk to Taylor were his classmates. Maybe he could teach the boy a few moves when he healed. He doubted Joss would appreciate it, but every boy needs to know a few defense moves.

"Thanks for the ride." Said Taylor, exiting the car.

A beep from his phone turned his attention. He read the text and headed towards the address given.

* * *

><p>There were a lot more factors to consider in the relationship that was forming between them. After that night on the road back from New Rochelle, Joss had not seen or spoken to John in any form. In a way she was relieved. It gave her time to sort through her feelings and the new information she learned about him. When last they spoke she mentioned the events of New Rochelle, but she didn't offer what details she knew and John barely acknowledged her comment. He was focused, determined to do the right thing when it came to Jennings. That was what worried Joss on more than one occasion she and John had opposing definitions of just what the right thing entailed. Thanks to her friend Gene she was given a peek into John's past. She knew that possibly one or two other people had access to this information about John's past. The feeling of hypocrisy weighed on her mind as she thought about how she came to know intimate details of John's past. Curiosity got the better of her and she couldn't help but feel that this was Finch's way of saying he trusted her. Joss dutifully followed the breadcrumbs he laid, then dug deeper. It seemed almost anti climactic to shred the file after hunting the "man in the suit" for so long, but the dynamics of her hunt had changed. Joss found an ally and maybe something else and she was not going to betray John.<p>

The sound of an approaching vehicle brought Joss from her musings. Right on time she thought, looking down at her watch. Carter put on her game face.

"Detective." Said John, entering the passenger side of the vehicle.

"Our mutual friend asked me to look into some suspicious acquaintances for our guy." She handed him the file. He flipped through the file listening to Joss.

"I didn't find much so I widened the search. The receptionist who works for David's dentist went on maternity leave. The temp they hired has a sketchy past. Most of her buddies are locked up or dead, all except Gregory Harris."

"David's cousin. Good work Carter. I'll start looking into Harris." Said John, before turning to leave.

"John," she said, lightly touching his forearm. "There's a good chance Harris is still running drugs with a new set of people." Her touch lingered.

He covered her hand with his giving it a quick squeeze before taking his leave.

"Be careful," whispered Joss, as she watched him drive away.

* * *

><p>Let me know what you think!<p> 


End file.
